Sexual imprinting

Why do I like sex so much and why do I like abusive submissive rough sex with men who don't care for me? I figured it was because of all the porn vcds my father left behind after he deserted us for another woman. He didn't support us at all, and with my mum working two jobs, I was a latchkey child left to myself, and his legacy to me is a mind filled with the images of huge cocks pumping into lips and cunts and the women enjoying it. I feel what turns me on in sex is decided by the ideas that my parents and my upbringing when I was a child. And since I had practically no parental advice, all I had were the stash of porn videos, magazines, and blue books from my father. I was sexually imprinted at a vulnerable age by porn.

The good thing for me is that I actually enjoy doing what my lovers want from me, and I've had a very satisfying sex life as far as the sex is concerned. I actually hear the men comparing me favorably with their wives or girlfriends as I would do much more for them. After learning the ropes with my first boyfriend, I've had lots of compliments and very few complaints on my performance as a lover. In fact, I pay close attention to what my lovers want, and I'm always trying to get better at my bedroom techniques as well as acting provocatively. I'm try to get better at saying  what my lovers want to hear.

It is the time out of bed that is not good because I get attracted to men who just want to use me for sex and to feed their ego. I am sexually attracted to all the wrong men and I can't help it. I'm much more turned on by men who lust for me sexually and hunt me as a sexual prey, than by men who respect me too much and are content holding my hand. Even my husband Tom telling me he loves me during sex is sweet, but doesn't get me going. I get very wet when my man is pulling my hair and pumping me roughly from behind and asking me to "move your ass, you cunt!"after which I would gyrate my ass more.  I respect such a man more somehow, maybe because he doesn't need my love, and maybe I have an inferiority complex, feeling that because he is so high above me, I am not good enough to deserve his love anyway, I should be very honored just to have him being willing to fuck me. I remember once asking Fred, " do you love me Fred?" Inside his boutique, on our love sofa. We had closed the shop, and we were seated facing each other with my hand pumping his cock, and his
hand in my clit while we kissed. "I love the way you fuck" was his reply. "But do you love me as a person?" I asked. " I love the way you can completely surrender yourself to me when I'm screwing you" he said. " Do you love me when we aren't having sex?" I persisted. " I love you much more when my cock is inside you!" Fred teased. He could feel me getting wetter as he was finger fucking me, and knew I liked his answers. "Don't talk of love" he said, " I just like fucking your brains out." His answers made me so horny, I mounted him on the sofa and placed his hands on my breasts as I murmured, " yes, please fuck my brains out!" I was oozing fluid all over his groin and I had an womderfully intense orgasm. After that, Fred knew I like pure sex rather than love and that I really enjoyed his dirty talking during sex. It's terrible but for me, sex is much better with men who only want sex from me. I think subconsciously, I feel that I'm not good enough to be loved, and don't expect my lovers to love me. In fact if they respected me too much, maybe they weren't good enough for me. i get turned on by men who think of me as a bimbo to impress for an easy fuck.

Sometimes I just want to spend time together as a couple doing ordinary things but I don't get much of it after my first boyfriend John. It was sex and sex and sex until Tom came around. He liked watching movies and holding hands and even shopping with me. I didn't enjoy sex with him but until we planned to get married I was still getting some wild sex in the side. Sigh, I can't seem to get the best of both love and sex.