John is tall, 1.78? And much taller than my 1.58. So he could carry my weight for a long time. He supported me by carrying my buttocks, the weight split my cunt apart and opened me up. I helped by wrapping my legs around his waist and holding on to his neck. In that position, with me looking up into his eyes, and him looking down at me with his handsome face and kind sleepy eyes, I fell in love with him forever as I came a second time, never taking my eyes off him for a second, even as I was being pumped up and down the length of his cock, relishing the closeness with him, and the waves of pleasure that spread from deep inside me to my entire body.
I will never forget that sunny afternoon, in my room, in the quiet of my HDB flat in Sembawang, when John took me completely, body and soul. I remember that more intensely than the first time he penetrated me or the numerous dates and petting sessions before that. Maybe it's because of my orgasms and the intense physical pleasure I experienced. The body is as important as the mind.
I'm writing this blog to help Singapore women overcome their shame and inhibitions about sex. I'm also writing to help Singapore men understand their women better. So I'm frank about how I feel. Please don't think of me as a slut in a bad way. Just think of me as a normal but sensual woman with a healthy appetite for enjoying sex. I was already in love with John as a tall and handsome partner who could accompany me as a friend, but having sex with him and having orgasms with him just threw me into free fall over the cliff of love. I am half Stuly Kan as a person but also half mating animal. If I have had a fierce quarrel with John, I don't feel like having sex with him at all. But similarly, if I have had good sex with him, I love him more. My state of mind affects my desire, but the satisfaction of my desire affects my mind. It's about half half for me. As a woman, If I like a guy a lot I will want to have sex with him. But, as an animal, if a guy fucks my brains out, I can also fall in love with him, but this is not acceptable for me to say right? But my brain and my cunt affect each other. If that is being a slut, then I'm one, but I'm a good slut. I take care of my friends and I'm responsible and fair.
I'm saying all this now as a mature woman of 33, but these feelings were at the back of my mind subconsciously perhaps,even then. For most of my life, I couldn't tell them to anyone, to John, to my mother, my brother, or to my Gang of Four, my school and lifelong childhood friends. I couldn't even use the words to describe the sexual acts. Even the word 'sex' was slightly taboo. How could I tell my friends what I was doing then as a sixteen year old? I've overcome this shyness now to my close friends, but it took a decade or more.
Why am I more open sexually? Firstly, my father deserted us for another woman without providing financial support so my mother had to work long hours to support us, leaving my brother and me as unsupervised latchkey children. My father left behind a store of pornographic movies and books which I viewed over and over many times and eventually masturbated myself to, even from a tender age of 13-14. This sort of imprinted what is erotic in my brain, so that the things that turn me on are the same things in these movies. I can't really change these, or can I?
Secondly, my mother was bringing her lovers into our three bedroom flat. My room is in the middle, and the walls aren't thick enough to prevent me from hearing the sounds of sex in the middle of the night. By the time I was 16, my mother was with her third lover since father left us. Then my brother, who is five years older also started bringing his girlfriend home and often slept over, unlike my mother who never let her lovers stay over. She was a very expressive lover in the sense of being noisy. I was surrounded with people having sex and they were enjoying it.
Last, I enjoy sex. I have a high sex drive. Whether it's because of the first two factors, or whether I am made like that, I don't know. But after John started me on sex, masturbation wasn't what it used to be and wasn't enough. It wasn't real or interactive enough. When I was between boyfriends and feeling lonely and horny enough, I would degrade myself to one night stands or short flings. I almost always felt very cheap and low class after these affairs, but when the desire is there, I can't control myself. But I'm not a degenerate person. I am very hard working and responsible at work. I hardly take medical leave. I stay back late to finish my work if I have to. I feel I am a good girl. I am not a shameless slut.
