Disaster after revenge fuck

After I repaid Johns infidelity with a revenge fuck with a taxi driver, things were not the same between us. I had broken something which could not be put back.  His ideas  about sex was that it was forgiveable for a man to have affairs because men were made with high sex drives and it didn't mean anything to them. A woman was different. An ideal woman was chaste and virginal.  A woman who had sex with another man was betraying much more. My arms and my vagina was his special place. A home away from home and an exclusive cosy corner. That was the prison he locked himself into with those ideas planted by maybe his mother or by society. He could never see the inconsistency and unfairness I felt. He screwed around so many times with  more than one other woman and yet I was willing to take him back, but this was the first time I had been unfaithful and it was not
acceptable to him. I had warned about what I was going to do and he had let me go ahead with it. It may have been his ego too. He was a bit higher in the attractiveness ratings than I was, and I wanted him more than he wanted me. With all these in his head, the thought of me enjoying a good thorough fucking with another man shattered the Madonna image that he had for his woman. I was too morally loose to be his woman. Woman like me were only good as sex objects but not as steady girlfriends nor as wives.

He turned cold. He locked me out of his heart. He spent weekend nights with his buddies and I don't who else. When he was half drunk,  he would turn up at midnight at my house and use my body like his sex toy. Without a nice date or a chat to warm up. I could feel his anger the way we fucked. I was ordered around to do what he wanted and he didn't try to please me. After he had come, he rolled away instead of cuddling up. It was very rough sex. He hit and bit me and scolded me nonstop during sex. I often cried after sex because it was evident each time after he had come, that he had not been
able to forgive me. At first I submitted to all his abuse because I wanted to patch up and he had
agreed not to see Elaine again. But it didn't stop. He would blame me for anything that went wrong. Even his precious mother, who didn't know about my infidelity, took my side. After one big quarrel, he asked me to get out of his house where I often stayed over, and I moved all my stuff home.

My self confidence was shaken by his rejection. Why was I so unacceptable now?  Was I really a morally flawed woman whom no good man would want? This was so unfair and ridiculous but John and our conservative society made me feel very very bad about myself. I was not good enough.  Any good woman should be able to control her sexual desire. I shouldn't be capable of having sex, let alone have an orgasm with another man if I were any good. I was the kind of inferior stock that prostitutes were made of.  Sometimes I could fight this and reject all this obvious nonsense, but back
then I sometimes wasn't strong enough to believe in myself. So I let him treat me like a whore with
disrespect and contempt, and once when I surprisingly managed to have an orgasm, that made him
despise me even more. He spurted his sperm all over my face and hair and spat at my face for good
measure. He received calls from girls when he was with me and even made a date once. He didn't bother to hide anything anymore. He must have been sleeping with with someone else for sure. Once he was fucking me doggy style and received a call. He spoke to a girl for at least a minute arranging to meet up with her. He just reached for his phone and didn't even stop thrusting. He was cruel in his revenge. He even compared my performance poorly with his other lovers and told me where I could improve but he never complimented me. ( I actually became a more skillful lover with all his blunt feedback) Since I could not let him go, I was punished many many times over for a single revenge fuck. Why was I so stupid to do it. Why did I let him know what I did?  Why did I keep allowing him into my home for degrading sex? There were no more dinner nor movie dates. Just late night sex like in a brothel. I let him do what you did because in his anger with me, he was passionate again. He was connected to me again, but now with hate rather than love. I was hoping that with time, this passion
will turn to love again and that he will forgive me. However, no matter how I pleaded and argued, he
couldn't understand why I could enjoy sex with another man when I was still with him. Men could do that because they were made that way. Women that did that had a sex drive like that of a man, and that showed a moral slackness or sluttiness that was unacceptable.

The ultimate punishment was anal sex. We did it for the first time during this unhappy period. It was
probably thought up to punish me.  When doing doggy style sex, he suddenly came out and put the
tip of his cock against my anus and pushed hard. There was no gentle persuasion nor attempt to lubricate my anus. It was so tight and painful. My anal sphincter ring finally and suddenly surrendered and he popped into my rectum.  There was a sharp severe tearing pain when he entered. This pain was much worse than when he took my virginity. Some tissue must have been stretched beyond tolerance and ripped suddenly. I cried out in pain but he didn't stop. He kept pumping me
violently and I  shrieked in pain with each terrible thrust. I had to cover my mouth to muffle the involuntary cries of pain so I wouldn't wake my family up. He wouldn't come but he kept thrusting
and thrusting for at least ten minutes before he finally came. I was covered with sweat from the agony and the sheets were covered with so much blood. I couldn't shit properly for two weeks as
it was so painful.

The next time after we again had icy cold animalistic sex, I cracked. I sobbed and asked him what he wanted and why we couldn't go back to as before.  He said, I could take what he offered or breakup. Which was that he would see anyone he wanted and do anything he wanted but we will still be together. My revenge fuck left me without any bargaining chips. We were not dating any more and he wasn't talking. He was probably seeing someone else too.  Having unsatisfying sex was the only
connection I had left with him and if not for that, I had no chance to connect with him. Once I refused his cold degrading sex demands in anger and he just walked off.  The funny thing was we were having much more sex than before. He was hard, very hard, and often came fast. He  now sometimes
wanted to do it a second time the same night. I thought that if he released all his anger through sex, he would calm down eventually, but this just went on and on for months. When he had enough of punishing me, he became indifferent. His anger went away, and he become cold and indifferent. Even the late night sexual abuse was not coming anymore. When he didn't turn up for more than three weeks, I called him late one night to humbly invite him over for  supper but he declined politely. Both the anger and the passion was gone. Our relationship was over.